When Danielle came to me, she had a solid record of broken relationships.
The last guy she had dated wasn’t even close to what she had deserved. She was in love with him, but he was more in love with his work than her. He set a limit that the two of them could only see each other on weekends, and that would sometimes turn into every other weekend because he would often change plans the last minute.
When they spent time together, everything was oh-so-amazing. He would tell her how much she meant to him, make plans for a date night the next Saturday, “I’ll prepare something nice for us!”… Only to cancel on her, on incredibly short notice, with a lazy explanation “What can I say, I HAVE to work. You understand that, right?”
Sure, Danielle understood. But she also had a hard time accepting that she wasn’t important enough. Every time he’d cancel, it would break another peace of her heart. He was so good with words, making her feel special, but when it came to his actions – his lack of commitment told her a different story; “you’re not that special after all”.
Decision to Make a Change
Danielle came to me in heartache, “I will never fall in love again! I don’t know what to do. All my friends, everyone, is either married or in a relationship, and I feel so alone.”
When we looked at her relationship history, it was no wonder she felt that way. Here’s what she wrote in the coaching questionnaire.
~ In our dating history, me, you, and many women have experiences with men who were emotionally unavailable, men who were afraid of commitment, who only wanted to “Netflix and chill”, or those who played it hot and cold – one day they’re all into (and over) you, and then the next day they forget you exist.
Some broke our hearts, and some taught us valuable lessons.
And just like you (and me years ago), Danielle doubted that it was possible to find a normal guy and that she was even capable of experiencing true love.
She felt like there was something wrong with her, like she was broken. She had the same problems with men over and over again. She felt unappreciated, rejected, and like she just wasn’t good enough for someone to stay.
She also wanted to change the type of men she attracts into her life. Many women come to my sessions saying they can’t meet a normal guy or they always end up with someone who has commitment issues or just can’t develop a serious relationship.
However, if you want to change the type of people and relationships you draw into your life, you don’t start repairing the relationship you have with men. You first start with the relationship you have with yourself.
Start With Your Hidden Fears
Therefore, Danielle and I started with her; uncovering her real feelings, self-doubts, and hidden fears.
Working our way to who she really is and what she wants, on our second session, the real Danielle showed up. For the first time, both of us could she the real her; a beautiful, loving woman, inside and out.
And for the first time in a while, Danielle felt worthy. Worthy of love and all that she had wished for. She realized how much she deserved, and she wasn’t willing to back off anymore.
No more feeling sorry for herself.
No more guys who cringe at the word “relationship”.
Or checking Facebook Messenger every 20 seconds to see if he sent a message.
And definitely no more giving chances to those who don’t deserve them.
We continued to challenge her limiting beliefs about men and relationships. She had so many (unconscious) beliefs like:
“Men want only want sex.
All good men are taken.
Men can’t be trusted.
There is something wrong with me.
It’s hard to find love.
I will get hurt again.”
These sound familiar, right?
If you hold these to be true, be sure that your chances of meeting someone who is the opposite are equal to 0.1%. Even if you do meet a good guy, you’ll probably find yourself questioning his every move “Is he really this honest? Where’s the catch?”
You will ruin the chances of enjoying that relationship before it even starts to look like one.
And all these doubts come from previous hurts and current fears.
Fears of getting hurt, being rejected and abandoned.
This is where a good coach can help you out, to determine what’s missing and speed up your growth. A good coach can see what’s underneath all that mess and can guide you step by step to what you want – yes, even if you’re not 100% clear on what that is at the moment.
And Danielle was diligent in her work! She saw all the ways she was sabotaging herself and the ways she sabotaged her relationships. She used to pull away whenever she thought a guy didn’t like her enough. Or on the contrary, she would chase a guy and did all she could just to see him. She would hide her quirks or feel extremely vulnerable is she shared too much.
But now? Now she dived into coaching. She started to like who she really is; she let go of everything that wasn’t serving her; and started a new chapter for herself.
Life Changes When You Do
In only two months of our coaching, she met Alex, her love and partner. A great, smart, loyal, and romantic guy. The only reason she could see Alex (in a sea of other men) was because she had done her inner work first. She wasn’t clingy or needy anymore. She let him come to her.
Her relationship with Alex started to develop, going on dates, romantic evenings, he cooked for her, but the biggest shock for her was – Alex did everything he said he would. He walked his talk. She called me one day that she can’t believe this was happening because she NEVER believed that such men exist.
Because of our coaching sessions and her willingness to change herself, Danielle experienced things she thought were never possible. She began to feel confident and strong and she learned that love, actually, isn’t that hard or complicated.
How You Can Do the Same
We, women, have so much in common when it comes to our love struggles. Some women lack confidence and often struggle with trust (trusting him or themselves).
Some are afraid to get hurt again.
Many women give all they have just to get nothing in return. And we often expect the worst to happen.
But one thing we have in common for sure – we doubt ourselves and what we’re capable of.
We doubt our wishes. We doubt our worthiness. We even struggle to say out loud “I am so beautiful!”
However, each and every one of us is responsible for what we create or let in to our lives. You absolutely have all it takes to feel amazing about yourself. And you can create relationships in your life that will inspire you to be even better than you are today. A relationship in which you’ll feel free to show yourself and won’t worry how much he loves you. To be with someone who will get up at 3 am if that means helping you and being there for you. Someone you can count on and you will feel peaceful with, even at times when he’s not physically with you. Someone who will introduce you to his friends and family as a special woman in his life. Someone who is loving and loyal just like you are.
So, after working with dozens and dozens of women who struggle to fully love themselves and create such relationships, I’ve discovered there are five key areas a woman needs to be fully aligned with.
If you want to love without fears and be loved in return, these are the five areas you need to pay close attention to and master:
- Your sense of worthiness and how deserving of love you feel.
- Your belief system and the way you perceive yourself, men, relationships, and love.
- Your level of self-awareness and competency to deal with self-doubts, your inner critic, triggers, and feelings.
- Your relationship skills and the way you communicate, connect, and grow with a partner.
- Your sense of completeness as a woman and the relationship you have with yourself.
Knowing these, ask yourself:
- Do I feel like enough just as I am?
- Do I deserve the relationship I want?
- How do I cope with strong emotions?
- What do I hold to be true about men and myself?
- How am I connecting with men?
- Do I often lose myself in a relationship?
- Do I respect my boundaries or I let things slide?
- Am I too picky?
- What am I putting out there?
- How am I taking care of myself?
As for our brave Danielle, here’s what she sent me the other day:
want to experience what Danielle is talking about, schedule a call and let’s find ways for you to achieve what you wish for, together.
On this call, you will gain a clear understanding about which of these five areas you need the most help with, and what would be your first steps to feeling happy with yourself and creating a strong, loving relationship with someone who matters.